here I am.

bottledemotions @ 2008-04-24T15:08:00

2008-04-24T20:10:29Z

I've read pages and pages of everything i've wrote on here, and it's still not everything i've ever wrote down.

but I can see myself growing, finally growing out of it, and growing up.
it took me awhile but i'm finally doing it, doing something with myself.
I feel like i've changed so much

I don't think i'd ever want to go back and do it again.
but I think I needed to put myself through the things I did.
Thank god for change.
and thank god for forgiveness.

you know I can't remember some of the things I've gone through?
more people remember things than I do.
and I've come across a few of them

I'm so glad that I can feel so good about something like this.

I don't know what I would do if everyone hated me.

So If anyone that reads this had a falling out with me, I apologize for anything I may have done to cause it.
I really am sorry.

i will never tell

2008-04-14T21:24:58Z

I felt like killing myself today

Don't worry i'm still here, if you worried at all.
I keep trying to remind myself of the better days
But somedays erase those thoughts from my head as if they never happened....

Ill wake up tomorrow wondering how I got myself into this
Why can't I just listen to any of you?

My soul hurts
Its so hard to do this, im gonna make it but its going to be so hard doing it alone.

I'm trying to get away, but I just get pulled back in
When your heart is empty, what more can you lose?

I gotta get away from this, this life isn't for me.

Im scared for myself, I never wanted to hurt any of you.

Ugh I just wish this wasn't so hard to do
I think it looks harder than it really is.

my baby,

2008-02-14T19:19:10Z

smooshie face!
i know this shows how messy I am but i dont care! hahaha Wheres kittie?!

sittin sidewayz

I love her so bad.

2008-01-01T08:55:53Z

bottledemotions @ 2007-10-04T18:04:00

2007-10-04T23:10:07Z

I love my freckles

bottledemotions @ 2007-06-14T21:21:00

2007-06-15T02:21:23Z

I hate being that girl

bottledemotions @ 2007-06-07T11:58:00

2007-06-07T16:59:55Z

I am a

jerk

It's time to let go.

2006-10-14T18:49:55Z

And if he is happy, he will be glad you did.

I'm letting a friendship go, one I thought wouldn't of gone anywhere, no matter how far away, or how old we got, or who we ended up being with, I always thought he would be the one to help me out when I needed it, I know I wouldn't stay first best, but second isn't so bad, but now I'm not even that, she has to be so selfish in her own way to take away someone I valued, how would she feel if another person did that to her? how hurt she might be, well I hope someday she understands what she did, and I hope he knows he could have stuck up for our friendship, but sometimes being with that person, that makes you happy, is worth giving up any friendship

I loved you so much, and all I asked for was a friendship, nothing more, there wasn't anything more than that, and I was happy.

bottledemotions @ 2006-10-07T01:24:00

2006-10-07T06:24:17Z

Wow its so weird getting hurt, is such a redundant thing

Whats really odd is not getting hurt, its not redundant and its real new , trying not to be so offensive, and not let anyone touch me being in a bubble, and pushing any great guy away.

And then wondering why I haven't gotten my chance at love yet
well fuck jessika get your shit together.

I dont know, I dont know if i even want my chance, I've gotten so comfortable with being alone, living alone, doing things alone.
even sleeping alone, and I never had enjoyed that, now when someone sleeps over, like my sister, I don't ever get any sleep, its so weird having a body next to me in my bed.

is it really bad when you're not even in your mid 20s yet, or early 40s and you already plan on being alone

Im being sloppy tonight, with this, and everything, I'm tired.

in the end we end up alone anyways, right?

Sure

bottledemotions @ 2006-09-13T15:30:00

2006-09-13T20:47:26Z

I just got done going through my closet, and found a box I've had for years, I bought it to put all of my memories, my good memories at least, in it.

I was reading letters I used to get from my first boyfriend, and I had to think of how easy it was to just love back then, and how easy it was to get hurt, but so much easier to forgive because you knew he didn't mean to do it, and he wouldn't do it again, or at least you didn't think he would, I think I was 15 when I started to date him, and he was 16 or 17, Anyway this isn't about he and I, I just sat there, tearing up, and then just crying, thinking to myself, I don't think I will ever find anyone that truly will or can love me unconditionally, no matter what my faults are, no matter what mistakes I have made, or bad habits I've formed,
I just don't ever see a soul mate, or someone that can actually just be there for me, be my friend and my love, I hate feeling this way, I hate going through everything and then the outcome being me being alone because there were too many mistakes made, or I wasn't mature enough, or I was too mature, I don't know what I'm supposed to do , I just sit here, and I don't feel that I should lower any of my standards or morals just so I can get a date, you know?

I don't know, I'm 22 years old and I feel like i'm going on 40 alone.

bottledemotions @ 2006-09-10T05:57:00

2006-09-10T10:57:43Z

Well, I found out someone deleted all of my Photobucket pictures, that kind of ticked me off... but atleast they were all on an old computer, so now i'm just trying to upload them all oh well I'm glad I have them to upload, there are some I don't think I would have ever seen again if I hadn't left them on there

Anyway, I'm tired of everything, as usual.
I'm really tired of getting fucked over, honestly, I just feel like going back to being the biggest bitch and being left alone, atleast I didn't get fucked over, and I didn't have to worry about getting hurt, because I never gave anyone the chance, and yea maybe I should give SOME people the chance, but you never know who you can and can't, so all I feel like doing is not letting anyone in anymore, i'm tired of it you know? I mean how much more can a person take? I don't think I want to find out, I know I don't want to find out, I'm too tired for this shit.

bottledemotions @ 2006-04-26T14:22:00

2006-04-26T19:37:26Z

I try too hard sometimes...

with everything, i'm so tired of trying.
I don't know how i'm going to make it anymore.

I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Bills are piling up, everyone's broke.
car less, thanks sandra.
how could I be so careless.

im really paying for everything now.

I just want to hide.

2006-04-02T20:34:02Z

I hate it when you don't keep your promises.
what the hell is wrong with us.

we're getting too old for this, I'm getting so tired of you.

spun around and around, I can't keep my balance with you.
we play these games and I just can't keep up anymore

i'm falling and falling and then I wake up, its so dark in here.
and my memories just keep fading away, like my dreams I keep trying to remember.

why you won't be with me, why you can't just be with me.
and all I can do is let go, and just try and forget that we, aren't them.
and there is no more you and me.

I just cry, and I cry. you used to wipe away my tears, and now i'm just waiting and crying.
and now i'm seeing you, and you're fading away like my dreams.

bottledemotions @ 2006-02-18T19:37:00

2006-02-19T01:38:56Z

Well, for those of you who don't live near me, and only know the trials i'm going through and not what I'm doing about them.

I guess I can explain.

Yea I'm going through a lot of bullshit, and i'd rather just post it on here than post the good things in my life.

I got a d.w.i in september, following by a guy breaking up with me, and confusing me.. and then my car gets rolled and totalled in december, following with the insurance company saying "Sorry you're fucked!"

And then Christmas day reality set in that I am not getting the car that I really did appreciate and try and work hard for, I'm not getting a car at all, I've been without a car since Dec 8th, and it's been sucky.

My license was suspended in Oct, I just recently got it back in mid Febraury, I did pretty good about trying to get it back, I will be on probation for 12 months for the D.W.I. I don't know what i'll be on probation for the posession, hopefully I can get it dropped, serve some probation and not have it on my record.

I had to move out of my apartment because my sister and I had indifferences towards eachother, so I am now living in a one bedroom.

I ride a bike to work every day, work isn't too far from where I live.
But they recently fired me, Because the owner had indifferences with a friend of mine, and since I did not want to take sides and just not get inbetween the indifferences, he fired me, and yes this is legal in the state of texas.

I did find a new job a day after I lost my old one, well some friends found it for me, that was really cool.
So now I have to find a way back and forth to work every day and make sure I get there, so I can keep a job and make enough money to get a car.

So I can go to school, I can't go to school unless I have a car.
So we'll see how long that takes.

So ok i'm not really being apathetic, I do care what goes on in my life, but I've learned that I can't sit cry and whine about it when you can't control everything in your life, all I can do is move on, and try harder and find something better.

God has blessed me in a lot of ways, when I lost my job, my tax return is giving me 536.00 so next month I won't have to worry about rent, thats all bills paid, my apt complex sent me a check for a full refund of my deposit from the old apartment, and I did get good news on a newer better job, so I mean there are great things going on in my life, you just have to be around me to hear about them

So please, don't assume things, I am doing something with my life
it just seems like the time I try, something gets in the way.
more obstacles but I will over come them and I will make it.

Thanks for asking.

If I can make it through

2006-01-04T00:53:10Z

I have nothing better to do... than just sit here talking with you
thinking about all the times we laughed, and thinking about my past...

wow do I miss it, I miss it so much.
I smelled someone walking by the other day and it made me think of you.

Maybe we should hang out more often
actually that wouldn't be the best of ideas, now would it..

Lets make it right, lets end it better, lets bring it all down.

Just let me go, so I can be happy, can you do that for me?

bottledemotions @ 2005-12-01T09:20:00

2005-12-01T15:17:17Z

I still dream of him....

why can't I just forget him.

bottledemotions @ 2005-10-30T10:57:00

2005-10-30T16:59:01Z

I'm sad.

Is that enough for just a post?
Sitting here, thinking about the things that have been happening.

I have a great job, I met some really good people.
Had a little bit of fun last night at work.

And you know, whats worse, is my cop outfit got me so many dates.
But do I really want to date a guy that only asks me out when he sees me dressed up as a Slutty Police Officer? Ofcourse not.

I got a DWI, I'll be on probation for awhile, I don't have a voucher for the flight I want to take to go see howie, but I'm still going to buy a ticket so I can go and see him.
My sister pisses me off a lot lately,

what the fuck.

My boyfriend dumped me a week after I got my dwi and wrote him a loveletter.

I'll never write loveletters again.

ever.

I wish i could find someone that i'm attracted to, someone i don't feel like I'm settling for. that wants to be with me.

I'm only 21 and I'm already done dating for atleast a year or two.

I broke down and cried, and I don't think it was because my boss took my money.
I think that was just my excuse for the shit coming out of my eyes.

But in reality, I just needed to vent.

I need to vent, and I need a companion to hug me and sleep next to me.

please.

this is how i felt.

2005-09-28T21:17:06Z

I got lost, I lost something... he left me behind without even saying goodbye

it could be worse, thats what you said, could it be worse?

just keep going, keep on moving, keep on living.
stomach hurts, bitterness sits at the bottom of it.
I'm trying to move on, trying to believe whats happening is reality, and not some nightmare.

giving myself a deadline, going to see you at the end of the week, and knowing that all this time you've just been pacifying me, like a baby, so I wouldn't cry to you.
this is enough, please don't forget me.

and the day you said gooodbye my whole world stirred up.

tears streaming down my face the day you said goodbye, now lonliness has set in.

who is sorry now.

~~I am~~

why should I be sorry for the mistake you're making.

bottledemotions @ 2005-09-27T03:45:00

2005-09-27T08:41:33Z

everything isn't lost.
you will go on.

Right now, I'm weighed down, my heart is deep.

But I don't regret you at all, I don't care what they say.

All I want to hear is you, but you're too far away.

Someday someone will realize whats going on.
I don't have to be alone, but I gotta do this to understand all the sides of love.
please get this message, and get it the way i'm giving it.

all I want to do is, bring you happiness.
and all I do is bring you down.
I am already so far gone, so I'm gonna leave it alone.
until i'm ready to come back from this place.

and come home,only to be with you.

i love you, please come home.

please fix it somehow, mend it, don't let it fall apart.
coming back from weakness, knocked down, drowning.
I want to love you, but I don't know if you can handle it.
and I'll do anything in anyway I can, to stay away from you.
the last thing i want to do, is find you, staring me down, smiling on the outside, making me feel bad on the inside, and farther down i go.

bottledemotions @ 2005-09-25T18:00:00

2005-09-25T22:51:49Z

Just remember I will never hate you, and I'm sorry that I cried.

I love you.

I should've set myself up to of known it was the end.

bottledemotions @ 2005-09-24T13:27:00

2005-09-24T18:19:27Z

I have that sick feeling in my stomach.

bitter. no sweet.
just empty, can't keep anything down.
don't want to even try anymore.
God knows where I'm at.

I'm not ready to give up yet
but I'm getting so tired
I'm almost done.
almost dont with you, and I don't want to be that way.
I want it to work.
I want to make you be with me.

i can't make anyone do anything
i already know, but if I could you would be it.

tschuesse.

and this is me being alone, getting better, getting over it all.

2005-09-23T17:47:48Z

bottledemotions @ 2005-09-20T20:46:00

2005-09-21T01:55:59Z

So it's pretty much over with.

He said he didn't understand
Didn't know what he wanted.

I called him because I'm an idiot
I tried to explain to him, I never asked him to love me back.
I never asked him for anything. all I wanted to do was tell him how I felt.

Big mistake, I never even told the first guy I ever slept with I loved him
Why would he get such negativity out of that?

I didn't mean to bring so much negativity, and it brings me down so much more. I just wish I could let go of everything, and dissapear.

I want to be with him so bad, I miss being around him , it hasn't even been that long.
I don't know if he even thinks about it, me, or anything that involves me much.

I feel kind of used, how could someone like him treat me the way he did, then the next minute, tell me he wants nothing more with me than just to hang out.

wow. Why can't any of the guys I've ever dated, be truthful and just tell me what they want upfront and quit being liars, I thought dating him would be a lot better than the shitheads I've been with in the past, but I was so wrong, I thought age made a difference, boy was I fucking idiot.

he doesn't call, he doesn't come by, he doesn't care/
thats all I have to keep telling myself. all I want to do is cry right now.
Especially when I needed him the most, and all he wants me is for fun.

just-for-fun.

man.

Only you were there, now no one is here.
I depended on you, now you're gone.
Are you showing me I can't depend on anyone?
Are you trying to tell me I'll never find anyone?
I feel like, being alone is the best thing to be anymore.
All I wanted was something with you
And you changed your mind, What am I supposed to do?
I can't make someone love me
I can't do anything.

so I'm done, I'm not starting over, i'm just done for now.

bottledemotions @ 2005-09-18T22:25:00

2005-09-19T03:16:03Z

you really were everything to me.

Meant everything to me,
but now thats all gone. I don't feel it anymore
I dont want to sit here, and listen to this.

what did you do to me, Ill never feel the same after this.
youve really affected me, it was all just for fun.

I'm tired of having fun.
I'm done.

bottledemotions @ 2005-09-15T17:23:00

2005-09-15T22:12:32Z

I love him so much that it scares me
It's so bad, it's reality, I gotta face my own fears, stand up, and give myself strength
I don't want to lose this, but I don't want to gain anymore pain.

My reality scares me.